“Imagine just deciding you’re hella dope, and then YOU ARE HELLA DOPE. ”
Tell me about being a young girl.
What body/ fitness ideals were you raised with in your household?
I don't remember a time that I didn't have to fight to feel like I deserved space and opportunities as a fat kid. One of my first memories is being told I would never be a ballerina because I was too chubby. As a young girl I knew at a very young age that my body was different, but I had sisters who were shaped like me. I think this brought us even closer, because we shared a lot of similar experiences in our bodies. We were in sports, had healthy diets (for kids), and were active all the time. I think my mom was confused by our weights, because she did everything "right" but still had overweight children. I think in a sense her own body image issues, the ideals of our society and valuing one body type, got transferred onto us. As a child I felt beautiful, but different.
You exude a lot of confidence and happiness. Tell me about how you got to this place.
At one point I just decided that enough is enough. I am tired of feeling guilty, angry, and ashamed of myself for being in a fat body. I honestly was tired of fucking fighting, myself and everyone else. I truly believe that self love is a decision, it was a conscious change of mentality for me. It took recognizing these brain loops of self hatred, and literally reversing that inner monologue. It's something I have to do every day. I repeat the mantras "you are more than a body. you are more than a tally of successes and failures." We are more than all of that. I also kind of to the propaganda forced in our faces. The research of it is that fat cells save us from illness, disease, and lots of other health concerns. Our fat cells hold toxins, and prevent those toxins from entering our system. Its a crazy thing to think that we've literally been lied to our entire lives to buy into an industry telling us we aren't good enough, healthy enough, pretty enough. It's all bullshit.
During the shoot you were talking about the fact that you feel beautiful and that you see the beauty in your body but holding that feeling can be hard in a world where we, as women are pressured to believe that there is only one type of beauty: the idealized thin female body, that we see in the media, time and time again. How do you manage to uphold your confidence?
Upholding my confidence is a daily battle against my inner monologue. It takes real work to turn around the subconscious into one of self love and respect. I think we all have a constant barrage of "I'm ugly. I'm stupid. I'm fat. I'm unlovable." on repeat in our minds 24/7. It takes a lot of energy to change that dialogue into "I am enough. I matter. I am cool." It's the hardest work we can do, but once we do it the ripple spreads faster the you would ever imagine. It spreads like wild fire and that is the radical revolution we need for humans. Radical love is where its at! Imagine just deciding you're hella dope, and then YOU ARE HELLA DOPE.
How did it feel to be naked in nature?
I love being naked, especially in nature. I've always been a closet nudist. As a child I would undress promptly after walking in the door, and things really haven't changed. I love the comfort of my own skin, my home. It was a surprise how delightful and foreign it felt to feel nature in that capacity. To feels the grassy earth below me and the silky summer breeze... I often think back to this moment and hold it dear to me on especially tough days. I feel horrible thinking about how rare an experience it was. I don't feel safe to be in nature like that very often. Escaping the male gaze isn't something easily done. It felt amazing to just be me FOR me, and to feel the world as that bare form of myself.
Why did you decide to be a part of Women With Trees?
This project spoke to my heart, because I feel like my body is illegal in this world. I feel like I am reclaiming who I am by removing the value of other opinions. I see myself as a steward for women who struggle loving the skin they are in. And I truly think we should start seeing ourselves as beyond that skin. We are so much more than bodies.
Favorite Sunday morning activity?
I love making coffee and taking it back to bed. Waking up with the luxury to take my time. Dog walks in the rain. Making breakfast in pajamas while listening to reggae.