“Being amidst that bamboo - so tall and so strong - allowed me to experience what it must feel like share space with me. I say this, not in arrogance, but as just the opposite. As someone who often needs to be reminded of how powerful I am. ”
What was your relationship to your body as a young woman?
I have been an athlete since I was a child, always thin and quite muscular. When I was younger, middle and high school-aged, I often hid my arms under long sleeves (even in warm weather) because I thought they were too muscular and looked like “boy arms.” I would also wear multiple bras for padding because I wanted to appear as though I was more “stacked.” In many ways, until recent years, I didn’t think of myself as sexy because I didn’t have a curvy body but rather an athletic, toned frame that I characterized as “masculine” or “boyish.”
How has being so tall and athletic affected you?
My height has gotten me lots of attention - often unwelcomed stares or rude commentary from men about what they would do with such a “tall drink of water.” I lived the bulk of my life shrinking myself in many ways, trying not to invade others’ space with my long limbs or block their view at concerts and such. Ironically, though, it never stopped me from wearing heels and I’ve always had fun decorating my frame with colorful and vibrant fashions which have contributed to the attention I get when in public. It’s been an interesting mix of shame from the public and pride taught intentionally in the home from my mother who is, herself, taller than the average woman. My height and body type have always been an advantage in my athletic career which afforded me a free college education and a career as a fitness model boasting spreads in worldwide campaigns and national magazines. Like everything, living in this body has had its lofty highs and pitiful lows.
What has been a hurdle for you in terms of loving yourself, your body, unpacking shame? How have you worked through your sexuality in a culture where women are shamed and black women are shamed as well as made to suffer racism and systemic obstacles?
Most of my shame around my body was rooted in the stories I was telling myself about sex. I remember having a conversation with my mother when I was thinking about having sex for the first time and she shared with me the many potential outcomes; physical, psychological, emotional and social. The Social outcome had the most impact on me because I didn’t want to be know as “that girl.” My business was my business and I couldn’t bear the thought of people knowing what I was doing in my private time. This fear of being “found out” caused me to engage in secretive relationships, careful not to date boys/men who shared mutual friends or social circles. With secrecy came isolation and I had no tribe of support when I was navigating this very critical part of my young adult life. Within those secretive relationships, I was always very conscious and bordering on anxiety about what he (my partner) would think of me if I did certain things or the timeline with which I would do them. Sex too soon or too kinky in nature was always a concern for me. This led to a series of relationships where I was imprisoned by my own sexuality; the desire to explore and express it as I was evolving and getting to know myself was stifled if not halted completely. Of course, this impacted my body image as well. I am and have always been comfortable being naked. But knowing this isn’t the case for most and still so worried about my social reputation around this, there was always conflict between my natural nudist ways and trying to maintain a certain image. When you’re not being authentic, it shows up in so many ways. So that was another way my relationship with sex and my body was impacting my dating (data collecting) experience and how I was able to relate to partners throughout my life. The ways I’ve moved beyond that is to examine my story around sex and realize that my fears were unfounded. And to revisit a lesson I mentioned earlier which is, anyone who is judging my choices around sex and sexuality is really just reflecting their own thoughts about themselves regarding the same. I released responsibility for managing or manipulating others’ narratives about who I am or “should” be and that freed me to begin writing a new story; one that more accurately and authentically aligns with who I believe myself to be and what I want to create in this life and, ultimately, the world.
Where do you get your confidence from?
I believe confidence is like a muscle and you have to work it for it to become stronger and the stronger it becomes, the less you have to “flex” it for it to be noticeable to people around you. I have built my confidence by choosing to focus on positive things about me that I like. Things that are a reflection of my values and traits that I admire or would qualify as “good” according to my understanding. I center my time, energy and effort around being and doing more of what feels right for me and don’t judge myself when I evolve to new levels and look back at past decisions. I accept myself, wholly and fully knowing that contentment doesn’t mean complacency. I can choose to be happy with who I am on the way to who I’m becoming and make room for whom I’m becoming to look completely different from anything that exists in this moment. My confidence is rally freedom to be whoever I want even if it doesn’t look how I (or anyone else) thought it would.
Why did you participate in Women With Trees?
I believe there is one God. And while we may call It, Him or Her by many different names, it is also my belief that this One created all things - including me. So it’s no wonder that being surrounded by divine creation is when I feel most at peace - reminded that I am an extension of this Mighty Spirit but also that I am but a small piece of the eternal puzzle. In nature is where I experience an emotional manifestation of the duality that defines our existence. A space that beautifully illustrates the inextricable relationship between deep roots and infinite expansion. At the time when I heard about Melanie’s Women With Trees project, I was in the midst of a major transition in my life. I had just ended a relationship, closed down my fitness studio and moved my residence all within the span of two months. And even though I knew it was exactly where I needed to be, it was an arduous season and I found myself feeling sad, on the brink of depression. But the sunshine saved me. Spring was budding and the air was changing. Colorful flowers and chirping birds served as a distraction from the pain and uncertainty that was cluttering my thoughts at the time. If all I could do was go outside, that was enough to get me through each day. It was like a spiritual spring cleaning.
When to opportunity was presented, it was important for me to at least apply to be a part of this because I wanted to document those times. Though I know the Women With Trees project is all about women’s bodies, I was much more interested in what would be revealed in my soul. My naked body was merely me trying to give my spirit permission to be the same. Uncovered. Uncensored. Free. If would have to courage to do it anywhere, it would be amongst the trees - engulfed by divine creation and surrendering to the belief that I, too, belong here.
Melanie chose bamboo as my tree and as soon as she said it, I knew she was right. Standing 6’2”, I’m usually among the tallest in any given room so it's rare that I feel small. But being amidst that bamboo - so tall and so strong - allowed me to experience what it must feel like share space with me. I say this, not in arrogance, but as just the opposite. As someone who often needs to be reminded of how powerful I am. In the work that I do as a personal development coach, I commit so much time to highlighting other people's gifts and strengths that sometimes i need a dose of my own medicine. On that early summer morning, I released. All the hurt, fear, disappointment and anger, I let it go. In order to do the work ahead, I have to be aware of and tapped in to my power. It is impossible to believe in God and not believe who God says I am. I am thankful for the Melanie’s commitment to this work because it has helped me to see God in me and God as me.
