“When I was younger, I believed that if my body wasn’t perfect, I didn’t deserve love.”
Talk to me about the relationship you had to your body when you were younger and how society, your upbringing contributed to how you felt. How did shame play into that?
When I was younger, I believed that if my body wasn't perfect, I didn't deserve love. That I somehow owed it to society to make it the best I could. I always felt fat, and hated my thighs. Once I got called thunder thighs in middle school, and I think that was it. In 6th grade I won best body at school, the next year I was being called fat. I was never fat. My mother idolized Audry Hepburn, Grace Kelly, women like that. I was curvy. My mom thought cleavage was "disgusting." I wanted to be what she wanted me to be. But I was not graceful, I was wild. I was not thin, I was voluptuous. I had cleavage. Shame is a feeling of not being ok, and I definitely thought there was something deeply wrong with me.
What, in your opinion, was the underlying issue that caused you to be anorexic?
Anorexia is a form of control. It simplified my life. I only had to accomplish one thing, being thin. It made me feel powerful, and comfortable in my body; at least more comfortable. I lived in LA and got a lot of approval and validation for it. The underlying issue was self hate.
What was the biggest force/ inspiration that helped you get free with your food?
I think watching my sister get sober inspired me to think differently about anorexia. I realized it was an addiction. I realized it was a trap. Becoming free with my food was a journey of desire towards that word, freedom. I have always been a rebel, and when I realized I was conforming, I wanted to break free. I also got in to a relationship, and that became my focus. I wanted to be all in, and I couldn't be starving and all in. Being in love took my attention, and gave me the inspiration to start eating in a way that wasn't restrictive.
After being married to a man you share a daughter with for almost 20 years, your husband left you for a woman half his age. Tell me about thew shit storm that you have gone through as a single mom. As a woman who has spent a lot of time learning how to love herself and teach others to do the same, talk to me about your process in moving on. Also, talk to me about what it brought up for you when you realized the woman he left for you was twenty years younger than you. What feelings did that bring up?
There are no words to describe the experience of being betrayed and left by the man I gave my life to, shared everything, and had a child with. The result of that loss began a spiral of hell that I would wish on no one. Suddenly being a single mom, financially, emotionally and in every way responsible for myself and my daughter with no partner was paralyzing and terrifying. All of a sudden, I had one income, no one to come home to, no love in the house, and no one to help make decisions. I began to lose respect for myself as a woman. Paul leaving for another woman who was half my age; I compared myself to her; I believed she was "better" and that I deserved to be left. I don't know if I have ever really recovered enough to love myself. It's easy to teach others to do that, but always been a struggle for me. I blame myself for everything; I kind of still do. The fact that she was half my age made and makes me feel insignificant, used up.
Moving forward from your divorce and picking up the pieces has been hard for you.
As a friend and someone who has known you for over 20 years, when your ex left you, it was like watching you shatter into a million pieces. The road to recovery has been long but overall, I would say that you are a stronger person for it. I would also compare your process to Kintsugi, a Japanese process of repairing broken pottery with a gold lacquer, which, in the end, makes the bowl even more beautiful than it was before it was broken.Talk to me about your life now and what you hope to accomplish in the future.
I don't know if I am better, or stronger as a result of the divorce. I think I have struggled to repair the shattered pieces of my soul, but I think there was much lost along the way. My self esteem, my trust, my believing in others, and myself. My life now is lonely. I am living what I was always afraid of. I wonder if I will be alone forever. It's extremely painful. At this point I want to be more financially stable, even successful. I want to leave a mark on the world. I want to publish my book and have people connect and feel less alone reading my story. I want to raise a child who doesn't put her self worth into anyone else’s hands. I want to find peace. I want comfort. I want to know how to orient in a life with no partner. My life is forever changing, and seems to be one of intensity. I want to accept what my life is and has been. I want to feel proud of myself. Sometimes I do; often I feel like a huge failure. I want to believe again, trust again. But I'm not sure I'm capable. I don't see the gold in the new vase. I think it is less beautiful, though I know I am kinder, more generous, and more capable of handling things. Worth it? I'm still not sure.
